Nick has been gone for just over two weeks. He was called out to DC for work unexpectedly with a two days notice. He left just days before our one month wedding countdown began. In that time, we have had to find a new apartment in the San Francisco bay area, do some moving, and plan a wedding. Many google hangout video chats later complimented with lots of wine, we are here- the final minutes (54 to be exact) until Nick returns to California soil.
I underestimated my happiness for today. Though this whole period of distance has not been fun, I have prided myself on being able to handle it. It was supposed to mean the distance in between us, the time zone separation between our calls, the lack of physical and often emotional support when usually it would have been readily available, often without asking. And I have handled it! But man, was it difficult.
I find so much strength in Nick. I have thought about this idea and concept before coming to you today because I worried that saying so was almost anti-feminist, anti-Erika, and anti-strength. I felt that saying this was weak. But as I sit here in our old apartment waiting for Nick to land at San Francisco International, I feel so happy! All day people have been commenting in various forms and fashions about a little pep in my step and a little extra twinkle in my eye. And they're right- I'm overjoyed that he is finally coming home.
But strength is different from happiness and joy. When I say that I find strength in Nick I think I mean tht I have a source of stability that also provides support. When I question thoughts I've been honing in on, he refocuses me to reaching their end result and achieving my goals. When I question a choice or an effort I made at work, he knows me well enough that his response isn't a hollow, generic answer, but is instead one formulated by his knowledge of my strengths, weaknesses, settings, and situation. My success is his success. His success is my success. It is truly a team effort.
It is in recognizing and becoming confident in this team effort that I find comfort in identifying my fiancee as a significant source of my strength. I feel like as I reach this 16 days mark to the wedding as well as creep toward the zero minutes left until he lands that I draw closer to understanding the old idiom of one's spouse being their "better half". I do not find strength in him because I am the female form in this soon to be union but because I am a half of a whole. In our ceremony readings the priest will speak about when two become one. .I feel blessed in that fact. I feel blessed that I get to have nick as the other half of my "one".
Who am I kidding- that's so bizarre! I didn't expect this- I thought cold feet was more the norm! But maybe this is one of the reasons why Nick had to go to DC. I think of it like, if you were trying to stand on one foot and your next to a wall, if you start to lose your balance then you can reach out and touch the wall. It might be a solid hold onto the wall, or it might be simply a finger touch to correct yourself. Often times you touch the wall in such a way you think it doesn't matter, you don't notice, or it simply becomes almost too often to notice. However, no matter how little you actually relied on the wall, when you completely remove it, its easy for all your balance to go right out the door. Nick going to DC was probably a nice little reminder of how much he means to my balance.
I'm not going to officially "publish" this post until he lands safely on the ground. There have been too many "hiccups" in our last two months to jinx this part of the journey by assuming something that hasn't happened. But in the meantime, I will keep watching my clock and keep watching my phone. I want to shout at the top of my lungs, "watch out world"! I want them to know the power couple is back in town.
Absolutely beautiful! Loved this!
ReplyDelete